Q. Hi, I'm sort of in a complicated situation and in need of some advice. There's this girl I'm really interested in (I'll call her Lisa), and I knew her for about 7 years (I'm 22), but we've just recently got close (4 months now) and are in the same circle of friends.About 2 months ago, it seemed like she was really interested in me, and we had a lot of nice chats, etc.But a few weeks ago, I think one of Lisa's close friend (Cindy) told her that she was interested in me. Now, being a nice/sorta shy girl, Lisa seems to be backing up and I feel she tries avoiding me sometimes.. while Cindy is starting to be a lot more friendly and tries to spend more time with me.
I'm the type of guy that sticks to one girl I like, and nearly ignore all other girls.. So I would still like to go for Lisa. Now her birthday is coming up in just a few weeks and im not sure if I should do something to give her a clear hint that im interested in her, or if I should hold back and see if anything will happen naturally over time. (sorta doubt this will happen 'cuz of the situation with Cindy). Lisa doesnt seem to show as much interest in me as before, while Cindy seems to try talking to me more often, as well as hanging out with me. Plus, I know they have "girl talks" with each other.. and Cindy tells everything while Lisa mostly listens.
I'm just not sure her birthday is an appropriate time to make my move since.. lately, Lisa hasn't been showing as much interest as before
Lastly, I'm sure there's at least one other guy that seems to be interested in Lisa.. but I dont think she wants to be anything more than friends with him.. I'm mentioning this just in case (sorta feel rushed, since I really like her and dont want to lose her to some other event that could happen).
please help, thanks.
A. Ah, two women to choose from. Hang on while I play a little sad violin for you....
Okay, now let me see if I can help you out of this dilemma ....
First of all, keep in mind that things don't just happen 'naturally.' If you want something to happen, you must be willing to take action. Things don't improve by default, they improve by design. So if you want something to happen with you and Lisa, you'll have to take a risk and make an advance. If she's interested, she'll respond. If she doesn't (no matter what reason you can invent for her not taking action) she is not REALLY interested. The bottom line is the result you get, and if she doesn't respond, you can blame her shyness, or whatever, but the reality is that you don't want a woman who can't act on her desires (any more than she would want a man who wouldn't act on his.)
Next, you sound like you're in a hurry. In fact, you mention you feel in a rush. Why? It's been 7 years. What's the hurry? If something were going to happen, a few more weeks wouldn't make a difference at this point.
Also, you state that you are "the type of guy that sticks to one girl I like, and nearly ignore all other girls." I don't know what your reason is for making this your identity, but I can only tell you that it will cause you much more pain in your dealings with women than it will help you.
1) Your single-minded focus will come across as smothering and obsessive on that one woman. (They can smell this a mile away, and it's a BIG turnoff.)
2) The confidence you exude when you date more than one woman will rub off, and you'll experience even more success with the ones you decide are a priority. Success breeds success.
3) Women may lead you to believe (by subtle comments and cultural stigma) that they don't want a man who dates many women. Nothing could be further from the truth. They are attracted to a man that is in demand. Now, if you settle into a regular relationship, they will want you to stick with just one. But that's your decision.
So, what advice do I have for you? In addition to the above, here's my recipe of action:
- Call up Lisa, ask her out to something short, sweet, and fun. At the end of the date, bust a move -- kiss her at the end. If she resists or balks, find out what her objections are. If they can be overcome, go on. If it's too complicated, then on to ...
- Call up Cindy. Same plan.
- Call up next girl. Same plan.
- Repeat until goal is reached.
It sounds like Lisa's interest is low -- probably because you two have been friends for so long, and she isn't going to jeopardize that -- and that you should set your sights on someone who is interested -- Cindy.
BIG POINT: And you might notice that Cindy is probably keeping a high interest level because you are NOT focusing all your energies on her. You're probably a little aloof and ignoring her -- and she responds to this. Lisa probably would, too. See how this works? This is why the ones you want always keep you at a distance while the ones you don't want are flocking in the wings.
The Bottom line? There are too many girls out there to get too hung up on one. Think of how foolish you'll feel in six months if you look back and see all the precious time you wasted on women who weren't interested. The time to act is now!