Wednesday, March 26, 2008
If you don't want to jump back into the bar and club scene, look online! Online dating services are used by thousands of people, seeking casual or long-term partners.
Never let your online date pick you up or drop you home on a first date. Don't let them into your home until you have been on several dates, and you feel like you can trust them. Date rape can happen, even in a long-term relationship.
Your children do not need to know about your sexual experiences. Get the kids to stay overnight at the other parents, with your parents, or with a friend. This is especially true of casual sex relationships.
Don't talk about your dates with your children. They may be hurt or upset still. However, depending on the age of the child, you may need to divulge some information.
Use your lunch hour wisely. Baby-sitters can be expensive, so why not organize a lunch hour date when the kids are at school?
If you start dating seriously with one person, you should introduce them to your kids. However, do take your time. Don't have your partner come to every social activity, or stay every night. Your children will feel confused, and possibly annoyed with the sudden "intrusion".
Treat every date as a learning experience. If you feel as if every date is a failure, don't be concerned. Experience and age have just refined your tastes.
At all times, remember that you should be looking for a companion for yourself. Don't look for a "replacement parent" - but look for a good match that has parent potential. Most importantly, have fun and enjoy re-entering the dating scene!
Because we are inclined to open up more rapidly to other people online, an online break-up will often hurt much more. Understand that what you are feeling is natural, and that the hurt will pass.
Post Breakup Tips
Get away from the computer. You have probably spent a lot of time on the computer, so take the time to go outside, and enjoy the outdoors.
Clean your house. Use all that negative energy inside you for a good purpose.
Call up some old offline friends and catch up. You may not have seen them much recently, because you were caught up with your online relationship.
Find some old online friends too. They can help you through you through the tough times as well. An added bonus is that they will understand how you are feeling after your online breakup.
Stop using the chat you were using while you were going out. Find another chat room or message board.
Pack away any photos or anything else that you received from your online love. It is not necessary to throw anything though, unless you really feel like you need to.
When you are ready to try online dating again, sign up to an online dating service. Don't bring any resentment from your past relationship into your new one though!
Online dating can provide a great, anonymous way to meet new people. While many online dating services provide a safe environment to meet others, you should never automatically assume you
are safe from Internet predators.
Before You Agree To Your First Date
Never agree to meet someone from an online dating service without first knowing a lot of information about them. Females especially should first obtain the other persons full name, address,
and home telephone number.
If the other person is only willing to give you a work phone number, or a pager, you should be very wary. This may mean that the other person has a spouse, or partner.
Test your potential online date, by calling at an unexpected time. If you do not know the person who picks up, there's a big chance that you have been lied to.
Before Your Date
Trust your instincts. If your gut feeling says "don't go" - then don't. If you do agree to meet someone for a date, you should be the one who sets a time, date, and location appropriate
Remember that your safety could be at stake. You will need to spend some time with the other person before you really begin to know them well.
Tell someone where and when your date will be. Give a friend or family member the full name, address, and telephone number of your online date.
Arrange to "check in" with your friend sometime during the date. Let your friend now if there are any change of plans.
If your online date starts saying that they want to keep the date secret - you should start to question their motives.
On The Date
Never get picked up by your online date. Take your own transport to the date and back. By taking your own transport, you can give yourself a chance to escape if things go wrong.
Arrange to meet in a very public place. You should choose to go somewhere that you know, or at least can check out beforehand. Meet in daylight, or stay in an area that is well-lit, with
lots of people.
If at any point, you begin to feel awkward or scared about the date, you have every right to leave. Excuse yourself, and make a phone call to a friend.
There is a chance that your date may truly frighten or alarm you - leave immediately, and call the police if necessary.
After The Date
No matter how great the date is, you should never let your online friend come back to your house. They may have been lulling you into a false sense of security.
Date smart, and date safe!
It is best to use a color photo. Black and white photos do not have the same level of realism as color photos. Color photo representations are far more accurate.
Make sure that your photo is clear and focused. If you don't have a recent, focused photo of yourself, get one taken. If your features aren't clear in the photo, people may wonder what you have to hide.
Don't wear sunglasses or hats in the photo. Your face should not be hidden behind hands, pets, people, trees, furniture, or signs. Once again, people may wonder if you have something to hide.
Use a photo that shows you looking good. Photos can often express some of your personality and originality! The photo should be a recent photo, not from 10 years ago.
Try to avoid using a group photo, unless it is you with your children or grandchildren. Be proud of your family. Don't use photos where it is hard to who you are in a group of people (for instance, you with friends of the same age).
Avoid any "suggestive" photos. This will attract unwanted characters. If you are unsure of a particular photo, ask yourself - would I want my date's family and friends to see this photo?
In any relationship, there must be a certain degree of trust, honesty, and safety. People in online relationships can often mask the truth about themselves, bringing trust, honesty, and often safety into question.
Is your new online relationship built on trust? Are you being honest with each other? Are you ensuring your own safety? Our guidelines below are designed to help you with all of your online relationships.
Never reveal any personal information. Your first name should be sufficient. If anyone begins to pester you for your last name, you should consider avoiding them. Use a webmail account for any email correspondence - don't use your ISP-assigned email address.
You should also never tell anyone where you live. Never let anyone know the street or surburb you live in. If you live in a small town, it may be safer to only mention what state you live in.
Be cautious when answering any personal questions, as you don't really know who the other person is. The less personal detail you provide them with, the safer you are.
You may be wondering how anyone can trust you if you are not telling them the truth about yourself. Remember that your safety is much more important than being truthful. Check every email and message you send, to ensure that you do not accidentally give any personal information out.
If the other person begins to get angry with you because you won't tell them your street address, this should be an indication that they may not be entirely trustworthy.
Some people that you talk to online may make you feel quite awkward, either through their topics of conversation, as well as their questions towards you. Remember that no one has the right to make you uncomfortable.
If you don't like a situation, leave it. Report any abusive or harassing contacts to a chat room or message board moderator. They will be able to take appropriate action against the abusive person.
These warnings are not meant to discourage you from beginning online relationships. Many people have found life-long love and friendship via the Internet, but you must take care. Not everyone is honest or trustworthy - so take care.
At some stage, you may wish to take your online dating to the next level - a phone conversation. If you are nervous about your first phone call, don't be. Soon enough, you'll be talking
on the phone like you've known each for years.
So whether you've already fallen in love over email - or you want to test them before you get serious - our advice will help you make a great first phone call.
Smile and Calm Down
Remember to smile while you are talking. Smiling can calm you down, and make you fell more comfortable. The other person will be able to "hear" your smile - which will help them relax
When to Make the First Call
Plan your first call. Make sure you have no distractions around at the time - like other people. Your attention should be focused solely on them.
Topics of Conversation
If you are scared about awkward, uncomfortable silences, take the time to prepare a "Topic List". Write down a few topics to talk about, so if you get stuck for conversation, you can
pick something from your topic list.
Chose a few topics that you have been talking about on line. This help you both feel comfortable with each other, as you have already discussed the topics online.
How to Finish the Call
Don't just say "goodnight" and hang up. Organise your next phone call, or at least mention that you would like to speak again.
If you don't want to speak with the other person again, mention this also. It is best to be honest! If the other person isn't interested in you, remember that there are plenty of other
people looking for love online!
You may have impressed someone online with your great profile and emails, but your first real life meeting could make - or break - your relationship. Our advice can help you make a great first impression on a potential partner.
First impressions are often made in under ten seconds. If you can present yourself well in the first few seconds, and the minutes that follow, your first date will be a big success.
Remember to be yourself. Be confident in your own skin, and it will show. Even though you may be incredibly nervous, remain calm. A great icebreaker could be making a joke about how nervous you're feeling!
Be on time. Plan to leave your home 15 minutes earlier than you would need to, just in case anything happens along the way. If you are running late, call ahead.
Smile. A smile shows that you are a positive, attractive, vibrant person. Smiling will also help you to calm those nerves, and your dates.
People will judge another person on various characteristics. This doesn't mean that you need to be a tall-dark-handsome-man or a blonde-blue-eyed-femme-fatale. Instead, pay attention to the little things, like:
- your posture and body language
- eye contact
- personal hygiene
- good dress sense
- outward confidence
- your smile
Women should not dress in revealing clothing for the first date. Wear something that makes you look and feel good. Guys should wear stylish clothing that is clean and ironed. First dates are not the best times to wear your new outfit for the first time.
On the rest of your date, you will need to build on that first impression. Concentrate on being happy, fun, kind, humorous, confident, and most importantly - yourself!
Negative impressions are just as easy to create as positive impressions. Your date will not be impressed if you act immature, shallow, self-centred, materialistic, and judgmental.
If you are nervous about making conversation, review a few email conversations you have had in the past. Think of a few questions that you haven't asked yet. This is the time when you get to know your date better, face-to-face.
Avoid talking too much, in an effort to fill silences. Don't babble, just accept the silences as a temporary lull in conversation.
Also avoid talking about current events. Viewpoints vary wildly on topics like politics, world events, and religion. Leave the serious talk for later dates. Fighting over differing viewpoints is a good way NOT to get a second date.
During the date, you should pay attention to your partner's body language. If you notice negative body language, try to fix the situation. Positive body language will show that you're doing a great job at impressing your date.
At the end of your date, don't ask straight up for another date. Leave the possibility open. Mention that you had a great time, then, instead of asking for a date, just say, "Let me know if you'd like to come out again."
First impressions last forever, so you should focus on making your first impression a good one. Who knows, your first date could be the start of a life-long, satisfying, relationship.
Monday, March 24, 2008
For some people, this comes totally naturally, but unfortunately for others, it can be the start of a nightmare.
As a general rule, avoid the following areas of conversation:
- Death or tragedy
- How much you earn
- Your plans for marriage and family life
Don’t reveal too much about yourself early on.
Never discuss you past dates or sexual conquests.
Stay clear of the old “chat up lines”. These don’t work on date. You will end up feeling stupid if you crack an old chat up line or pun that your date does not find funny at all.
One for the men here. Do NOT talk to her breasts. Women hate this and find it degrading and will soon run a mile.
You may find this difficult as you obviously find her attractive to be on the date in the first place, but keep those eyes well clear.
You want to try and sound confident during your date, but not cocky. Try not too talk about yourself too much and if you do, only when asked. You need to sound confident in yourself, but not overconfident !
You want to sound like you are comfortable holding a decent conversation in any situation.
Keep the conversation flowing nicely by using open-ended question. For example.
“If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?”
By asking why at the end, prompts for more than a one word answer and will inevitably lead to more questions from you. Be genuinely interested in the answers.
Try to be witty, funny and entertaining, but don’t act like a clown. Your date will soon disappear.
Never lie. If you are asked about a particular situation or subject, and you feel your date is not going to like answer, try to steer clear without looking like you have something to hide.
Wait until much later in your dating to start talking about romance. Don’t feel the need to tell her all the reasons why you would make such a great partner. Give it time. Too much, too soon, will have your date bolting for the door.
If you think that you are running out of ideas for conversation and you can't think of any more subjects to talk about, look at what your date is wearing. Is there an unusual watch, ring or piece of clothing? Ask them about it. This will get them talking about themselves, and you can keep asking more questions to keep things going nicely.
The most successful date seekers laugh in the face of rejection and simply try again.
Do not expect high success rates in singles bars and dance clubs. Try normal, everyday, common places instead.
Broaden your horizon.
If you must date only the best looking men or prettiest girls, your rejection rate is going to be much higher.
The more you date, the more skilled you will become and besides, there is no known link between physical appearance and dates that are the most fun.
Rejection is definitely not fun. However, a rejection is only one person's opinion. You don't like everyone, and everyone isn't going to like you. If someone says no, then he or she misses out on getting to know great you really are.
Take care of yourself and always improve physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.
Looking out for yourself and feeling good about yourself will make you confident. Again, if you can take care of yourself, there is a good chance you can take care of others. If you appear that you can fulfill the needs of others, you are attractive.
Brainwash yourself by looking in the mirror everyday and telling yourself that you are an attractive person. If you could convince yourself that you are attractive, you would soon feel attractive. Feeling attractive will make you feel confident. Confident, in return, will make you attractive. This is a classic self-fulfilling prophecy.
In this section we will cover the etiquette of the first date and a few pointers on what to do and what not to do. Places to go on a first date are covered in more detail on our date ideas page here.
If your date is someone who you don’t really know all that well and you would like to get to know them a little better, then perhaps lunch somewhere might be the best option.
Keep it simple, maybe a pizzeria or a pub lunch. Stay away from the flashy fancy stuff at this point, as no one likes a show off.
Over lunch or a drink, the atmosphere should be light and casual and it will give you a chance to talk and find things out about each other, rather than going to a movie where there is very little interaction involved. You might also feel awkward if you choose a movie and it turns out to be rubbish.
The great thing about lunch is that it is during daylight hours, which may make things a little more comfortable if your new date is female. If things don’t go to well during the date and you realize that it will never work out, then it’s easy for either party to make an excuse to get away. Such as “I have a hair appointment, doctors, dentist etc”.
On the other hand, if things are going exceptionally well, then you could always extend the date a little and opt for a walk maybe, or a few drinks in a nearby pub or bar. One tip though, never over indulge on alcohol on the first date as this can lead to all sorts of problems and you might end up no second date and a bad hangover thrown in for good measure. So, what is the proper way to greet someone when you pick him or her up or meet him or her at the chosen venue at the start of the date?
A lot of people find this an awkward moment, but it needn't be.
In this situation, I would recommend a warm, two-handed shake. When they shake your hand put your other hand over theirs - it simply shows warmth and takes the formality out of the shake.
Even the continental kiss on a first date is too much - you would be entering your date's personal space without their consent, save the continental kiss for date two or later.
Try to view the first date as a casual, informal job interview. Both parties are interviewing each other at this stage, finding out if you are suited to one and other and deciding on whether there is scope for a second "interview".
Keep things light hearted, try to stay away from politics, religion etc unless of course these topics are your date’s line of work or interests.
At the end of the date.
Hopefully you will have made it through to this point and you will have a good idea how things went and whether you both want to see each other again.
If you have exchanged telephone numbers already, this is a good sign. So how long should you wait before you try and arrange the next date?
Well, if both of you have mobile phones, it would be polite to send a brief txt message or email when you get home from the date or later that evening.
You could say something like how much you enjoyed his\her company and that you will phone them in a few days to arrange another date. Don’t be tempted (I know it’s hard) to call straight away when you get home and bombard them with txt messages or phone calls as you might appear pushy, needy and desperate and scare your potential partner away.
A simple message will suffice and leave it there. This adds to the sparkle and mystery, which makes dating very exciting.
So, who should pay on the first date ?
Well, I believe that whoever asked he\she out on the date should pick up the tab. If an offer is made to go half and half, you should accept and find a way of showing your appreciation for that gesture.
Do NOT get into an argument about money. If you feel this may happen, settle for a 50/50 split on the bill.
First impressions really do count. Make sure you are looking good and feeling fresh. Nobody wants to snog a slob. Check out our fashion section here for some great ideas on the hottest gear to get hold of.
Catch her eye
When you have spotted your potential date, simply try to catch her eye and raise your eyebrows up and down.
If she responds in the same way, that is a good sign. If she responds with a big smile, lips open, she is definitely interested. If you get no response at all, it may be that she is just very shy and looked away because she is embarrassed.
If you are with a group of lads, try standing away from the group slightly to demonstrate your individuality and point your body in her direction to show her that you are interested.
If after a couple of times trying and you get no response, leave it at that. This will happen sometimes for a number of reasons. Don’t take it as a personal rejection, move on.
The initial approach
So, you have had some really encouraging signs so far and now is the time to actually talk to her. For some, this is daunting, but it shouldn`t be, just remember, you are already half way there.
Do NOT use cheesy chat up lines. They don’t work and make girls cringe.
Instead, go for icebreakers. Compliment her about something she is wearing or talk about the venue where you are.
For example: “Hi, I couldn't’t help but notice that really nice necklace you are wearing, it really suits you. My name is James, by the way, pleased to meet you.”
I know that sounds really cheesy. I am not suggesting that you use that word for word, instead, adapt it to your current situation and surroundings. Be flexible.
Another example, in the supermarket this time.
Perhaps at the wine section. You could start a conversation something like: "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, I don't normally drink red wine, could you recommend something that goes with beef"
Always maintain eye contact at this point and don’t talk to her breasts.
Make her laugh. Be light hearted, tell her what you like about her (again avoid the breasts), avoid serious subjects, maintain eye contact. Remember, the eyes are the gateway to the heart and that is what you want ultimately, her heart.
Keep your eyebrows slightly raised when she talks to you and lean in towards her, giving her your full attention.
Look at her mouth (not the breasts) when she speaks, deep down she'll be wondering whether you're thinking about kissing her, which in turn will make her think about kissing you.
Signs that she is interested in you
- Nice big smile, showing off her pearly whites
- Biting her lip or showing the tongue
- Putting a fingernail between her teeth
- Raised eyebrows together with a smile
- Playing with her hair
- Playing with a glass or other object close to hand
- Laughs in unison with you
If all goes to plan and you are getting some of these signs, then you are well on your way to hopefully getting your first date.
I don't know if I have mentioned this lads, but don't talk to her breasts!
- Sentimental and romantic without being mushy
- Funny without being embarrassing
- Intelligent enough not to make her look stupid
- Adventurous but does not leave her behind
- Smell good, but is not drowning her with his perfume
- Committed but not jealous
If you want to know how to attract women, get good at doing the little things. The average single woman is not looking for perfection but she wants a little piece of heaven once in a while.
Hold her hand
Holding a woman's hand announces to the world that you are proud to have her walking beside you. It is also a statement that says you are taken, which is a form of respect she will be impressed by.
Take notice when she has changed her hairstyle or bought a new dress. This is a clear indication that you really see her. A few compliments will not hurt either!
Be a Gentleman
Women still love to have a door opened for them or a chair pulled out for them when they are at a restaurant.
Cook for Her
There is nothing more special to a woman than a man in the kitchen cooking the meal. It says that you appreciate her and want her to relax and be pampered.
When you call just to say I miss you or I love you, you have struck gold! She will be thinking of you all day.
Buy her a little something
Women love the little things, like love notes and cards. You can spend a lot of money on expensive jewelery and she will still consider those love notes to be among her most cherished possessions.
1. Scent - When a man doesn't have good personal hygiene it sends a big signal of laziness to a woman. Women often wear their boyfriend's favorite shirt just to carry his scent around with her. A woman won't want to get ten feet around you if you smell bad. Here's a tip: use pheromones.
2. Bad Teeth - A smile speaks a thousand words. When a man takes care of his teeth he becomes more attractive to a woman. Nobody is going to fantasize about kissing a man with bad teeth.
3. Bad Posture - The way a man carries himself says a lot about his character. If he slumps or carries his shoulders downward she will think that he is cowardly or weak.
4. Self Absorbed - When a man's favorite topic is himself he won't make it to second base with most women. A woman wants to know that a man is interested in her, and wants to get to know what she is all about.
5. Laziness - This is one of the biggest complaints women have about men. A relationship will usually sour within a short time can if the romance dwindles. Men can get lazy in the romance department rather fast. Once a guy has won over a woman he will usually stop trying. Interest in each other should never wane or the relationship will surely fail.
6. Penny Pinching - The majority of women hate men who keep track of every penny they spend. This sends a message that the man will be cheap on a date or will have a problem with spending money if they were to become a couple.
7. Womanizer - Women like to be a man's one and only. While most women do not mind if he looks at another woman, she would be turned off if he were to flirt with others.
8. Too Quiet - Being shy or quiet can be associated with boring or reserved. When a man is very quiet or shy a woman will usually move on. Women like to be pursued. Talkers tend to reveal more about themselves which can make them more approachable.
9. Coming on Too Strong - A woman wants to be pursued but usually will lose interest if a man comes on too strong on the first date. Part of the thrill is the chase. She wants a relationship to reach intensity over time. Groping and pawing on the first date can change her opinion of her date really fast.
10. No Ambition - Women want men who have a plan for the future. Men are attractive when they have a vision or direction he strives towards. She will see passion in his everyday living and a future that might include her someday.
Most men are more the scanning type than they are the scholarly type. And this includes you. Yeah, there's a reason you've been making regular trips to the library and it has little to do with checking out books. The real reason you're there is to check out a few looks--like the looks on that curvy librarian.
OK Einstein. You've impressed us with you ingenuity. Now impress Brandy by going up to her and thinking up something clever to say. What's that? You can walk the walk but you can't talk the talk? We see. Your feet have no problem carrying you to great lengths to be near the babes. It's your lips that suddenly become glued at the thought of actually talking to a woman.
Well there's good news. If you have a pulse, there still is time. With the help of some women, I'm going to give you all the advice you need to find the girl of your dreams.
SHOOT IF YOU WANT TO SCORE
Forget all that nonsense you've heard about defense winning championships. If you want to bring home your trophy you have to go on the offensive. Nothing worthwhile was ever attained by sitting back and waiting for something to happen.
Think about it. You are a major player in the game, but so is Debbie. There's a reason why she spends an hour in front of the mirror making sure her appearance looks edible. It's to entice you. Women try to look good so they can use it to their advantage. If you can keep in mind that women are trying to attract you too, half the battle is over. All you have to do now is bring that runner home from third.
"If a guy wants to talk to a girl and he's just afraid of being rejected, he should just take that chance," says Victoria, a 23-year-old graduate student with out-of-this-world looks. "Or else, he'll never know. He has to decide whether or not it's worth it to him."
I'm willing to bet a woman with out-of-this-world looks is well worth it.
WHAT'S MY LINE?
OK you're psyched now. You didn't realize women were out there looking to get picked up. You thought only guys had one-track minds. Well, now it's time to put that one-track mind to work. Even if the only reason you want to meet Sally is so you can bury your buddy in her um...., you can't just blurt that out. Be cautious.
Women want to be won over. They have a certain public image to uphold. They can't be as open as men are with their desires due to the social ramifications. That's why your approach is very important. And using a line just won't cut it.
"A lot of guys go out of their way with all these types of pick up lines," says April. "They should just use a genuine comment. A compliment would probably grasp my attention better than anything else."
"You don't want something that sounds like a line." adds Victoria. "Just something that sounds sincere. Something just like, 'I saw you and wanted to come up and talk to you.'"
So what do we take from all of this? First, you should sound genuine in your approach. Make her believe there's something really special about her besides her curvy figure. So, be complimentary, but be sincere. Also ask her about herself. Women like to talk about themselves. And when they open up to you, they feel closer to you which is exactly what you want--to get as close as possible to her delicious body. Remember, she needs you as much as you want to knead her--but be polite, sincere, and complimentary in your approach.
LOOK BEYOND YOUR LOOKS
We're not going to lie to you. Looks matter. You know it yourself. You're not after her for her mind. It's the same for women, but only to a certain extent. Yes, an attractive man catches a gal's eyes, but usually they get over that and look for something more.
Don't think so?
How many times have you witnessed Joe Average with a different knockout every other week? What secret does he possess that makes him desirable to the type of woman you want? Well, he's probably just himself. That's it. Himself. It can't be money. If a gal is really gorgeous, she can get any man she wants, right? Good looking guys have money, too.
His car? Please. See the above theory. Good looking guys have been known to drive nice cars. It comes down to Joe Average taking pride in himself and his appearance. Confidence in yourself is really appealing to women.
To help, make yourself more desirable. For starters, shower regularly. Brush your teeth. Get a decent haircut and use that exercise bike that's been collecting dust in your basement. And most importantly, remember to smile.
OK, you passed the test. You bathed, rehearsed your approach, and thought of something meaningful to say. After scouting out the girl with the sizzling legs for weeks, she has agreed to go out with you. Depending on how she feels about you, she may even decide to end up under the sheets with you.
KEEP HER COMING BACK FOR MORE
Now you're going to need to know how to please her. Yes, you have to please her! You can just think of your needs. If you're good and you know what you are doing, she'll reward you with more sex. And that's what you want. When you're a good enough lover, she'll come back for more.
Yes, that gorgeous, beauty will want you all for herself.
A woman needs to feel her partner is sensitive to her needs and desires. So, you might have to spend some time learning about what she likes and dislikes. This is also the time to bring on the compliments about her body. Tell her how much you love it and how much it turns you on. Telling her how voluptuous a bod she has will help her get rid of any inhibitions and will lead to more pleasure for both of you.
And then work over every inch of her body. Keep in mind you're doing it for her and not for yourself. Your goal should be to get her so excited that she will be ready and willing for you when the time comes to take that plunge. If you take enough time to do right by her, she's going to be as excited for it as you are.
Now get to work boys and good luck.
- Make sexual episodes spontaneous.
Avoid making your sex life routine. Try to make surprises for her. Instead of inviting her over everynight at the same
time in the same place do something different. Take her out and go to a lover's point and try it in the car or even outside if she's real kinky. Grab her while she's doing dishes or while she's on her lunch break. Find a time where neither of you are expecting it and creep your hand down her pants or something. She will be surprised but happy that you did it.
- Have special day for your partner
Instead of having the same boring night it will be good to try to make a special night. Make a nice dinner or go out somewhere you haven't been to. When you come home, have candles, flowers, incense, etc. ready for the occassion and instead of jumping into intercourse. Make her feel special. Rub her all over with a smooth oil or even with your hands. Do your own initimate things with your lingerie or even those handcuffs. Let her relax while you pleasure her slowly and have a long period of foreplay before you get into your own passionate or wild sex night.
- Make yourself look better
Making yourself look better can range from the way you dress to your style of dress or even your body. If you want to impress your woman friend, try improving yourself for her. If you know that all your clothes are old and you have holes in most of your shirts then maybe it's time to go shopping. She will appreciate it more than you. If you don't feel like spending that money and rather spend time then work out! It doesn't take that much to start noticing a difference and not only will it change your looks but it will alter your sex life. You will be able to last longer and pump harder.
- Help your partner relax
Your and her life are most likely stressful. A way to improve your evenings alone and overall spirituality is to get rid of the unwanted stress. First, try helping her out to get rid of her stress to feel more at ease during your evening sex. Offer her help with her daily routine. (i.e. cooking, laundry, cleaning, homework, shopping or anything of the sort you can help with). After you remove some of her stress in this matter, encourage her to do something for herself. Give her a gift of money or certificate to give her time to go shopping. Give her a chance to get a manicure or massage or even money to buy lingerie or clothes. After all of this said and done, try making occassional romantic evenings and have her try on her lingerie for you.
- Change the way you argue with her
Usually when you argue, you want to be right and usually when you try to be right, one of the two of you will be wrong thus making it a no win situation because someone will be wrong. Arguments are healthy for a relationship as long as it is an argument and doesn't turn into a uncontrolled fight. When neither of you are satisfied, it is the wrong situation to be in and these types of situations must be stopped. When you and your honey argue, try not to make it such a big deal and get out of the argument when both of you are satisfied and happy with the outcome. If one of you is feeling mad about it and not satisfied, it's always good to
apologize about it to make it better. Never let one of you go off while mad. This will just create an unhappy partner and a negative feeling. The outcomes of all the arguments will add up to the anger of the person over time as well. Control your arguments and even if you're right about something, it is better to give in than to make your partner feel bad. Have friendly "fights". Don't let the fights make you sleep on the couch.
Long distance relationships are always tough. You might have to wait long periods of time before even seeing your partner. This is a strong test on how your relationship will last mentally instead of physically. If you have a strong psychological bond with your partner you will have a much easier time than someone with a stronger physical relationship. You will also have to be able to trust the person greatly.
There are so many factors in long distance relationships. This article could be pages but most of our articles are kept short due to simplicity. Long distance relationships are known to fail almost all of the time because the partner will either move on, or get tired of not seeing their mate enough.
The final decision in this as all of the other tips is up to you, but it is suggested not to have a long distance relationship because of all the factors that will separate the couple anyway. We suggest you move on and start meeting new people.
In the case that you are in love, then hopefully the long distance relationship will not be for a long period of time. There are always things you could work out, but in most cases we found the best way to deal with a long distance relationship is to completely stop talking or slow talking down to friendly conversations.
Sometimes it is hard to tell if the relationship is really over or if your just taking a break. If you broke up with her and you change your mind, it's also hard to tell if she wants you back. If it was a sudden breakup then the spark between you two has a good chance of still being there. There are always signs to help you understand where you stand. If it is not totally obvious to you, check out some of our hints:
- If she treats you differently than she treated you before...perhaps friendlier...then you know you're in the unescapable friend stage.
- If she starts talking about other guys with you.
- She insists on paying for herself.
- She wants to have group dates rather than individual dates with you.
- She says nothing when she knows you are talking to other women.
- If your relationship slowly deteriorated then the spark usually goes out for good.
- She doesn't seem excited to talk to you.
- She will touch you. It doesn't have to be a big touch. But just contact on the thigh or arm. However; women vary and if she is interested she might be too shy to touch you. That takes us to numero dos.
- She will compliment you. Again it might not be obvious and it also might just be friendly but be aware. The compliments might range from your clothes to your looks. Look into her eyes and try to read her. You can tell a lot if you pay attention. Hopefully she will compliment your nice cologne that you have. That is usually a good sign that shes interested.
- She'll ask many questions about you and possibly relationship related questions. That would be a dead giveaway. Be careful with your answers. Look at her reactions to your answers; you will know what she's thinking. She will ask many other questions as well possibly to test you or she is interested in what you have to say.
- She will indirectly ask you or give you the opportunity to ask her on another date. She might make a reference to doing something with you in the future. She might ask for your help with a school subject or work subject.
- At the end of the date, it is always good to pay attention too. If you try to kiss her and she let's you passively or turns her head so you kiss her cheek....uh oh. If she is comfortable with you and kisses you warmly then you might be in. If you're the shy type try at least kissing her cheek but don't back away after, stay close she might kiss you back or you might lock tongues!
As the relationship starts:
The best time to put yourself into control is as the relationship is forming. If it forms while she is in control of things then it will most likely stay like that until there is a big change in the relationship. (i.e. feelings change) So do not give into her every desire just yet at least. Even if you like to spoil your girl, hold back on it and just make her happy. Women will test you at the beginning of relationships. She might ask you to take her shopping or to buy her this or that. Any one of those things is an obvious sign. Instead of always reluctantly accepting, take control and decline in a nice way. English is fortunate to have ways of saying no in very nice ways. There are many euphimisms that can be put to good use. Tell her you will get it for her on her birthday. After you say that, if you really want to spoil her, get it for her as a surprise at the end of the week. This way you make her happy, but she is not in control.
You're in a relationship and she has control:
If you are unfortunate enough to not be in control of your relationship you are probably always going through ordeals and it seems your partner is having it on easy streak. This is not so. In almost every case when lovers have arguments both of them are in distress, it is just that only one of them will show or tell how they feel. If you want to be in control of the relationship you must first learn to control yourself. Learn to control not telling your feelings all the time; after all, they are your feelings.
When your partner has control over you they know it. You have to find a way to turn it around. You have to show them that they do not control you. Do not always be the person to call them back when you hang up on each other. This situation is very important and happens in every relationship. Give her the orders. If she hangs up on you and waits for you to call back...don't! Get comfortable doing something else and take her off your mind for the moment. When she calls back stay mad at her for hanging up. Make her the one that apologizes. It is okay if the woman takes control sometimes but you have to put your foot down for things that you want to do. If the superbowl is on you tell her there is nothing that will pry you off of the couch and make her understand that. The main thing is put your foot down and do not give in. She will come to her senses. Most women like their man to have a sense of control over them anyway.
- Be friendly; women know that when a guy approaches them it is because they think they are attractive, if you dont give this woman that impression she will like it. Approach her in a friendly manner asking about something that does not seem too personal so she will not think youre hitting on her just yet. Ask a question that you might ask anyone, and then pretend you did not notice her for a couple minutes then try initiating a conversation. If she finds you attractive she will most likely start to talk to you before you start to talk with her again anyway.
- Give her compliments, but do not sound corny, say something you really believe. If you like her hair, or shoes, tells her that you do. Tell her you like the way she smells. She will be flattered.
- Let her talk. Just try to listen to what she has to say. Most girls take control of the conversation by talking a lot. If you let her talk you will not sound conceited at all and she will feel you want to hear about what she has to say. She will ask you a question if she is really interested in something about you. Prepare questions for her and she will ask questions in return.
- Sound interested. A lot of the time she will be babbling on about something you have no interest in, but even if youre not listening at least act like its important to you. If youre interested in everything she has to say it ups your conversing points with her. If your interested in what she is saying she will feel more comfortable to talk even more and eventually you will be interested in something she has to say I hope.
- Be touchy. If she lets you, and is comfortable with it, then try to be touchy with her. Put your arm around her or tickle her once in awhile. Only do this occasionally or it will get annoying. If she is tickling you back in return, putting her arm around you, or making any physical contact back to you, you will know youre in there and that she is flirting back with you.
- Do not be eager to sleep with her.
Better yet, pass up your first chance to sleep with her. If you do this she will know that you respect her and that you are not just looking for a good lay; women worry about being used.
- Absolutely avoid the relationship to get based on sex.
We all know sex is a great thing, but in a serious relationship that cannot hold. If both of you are freaky that is fantastic, but on the reverse side, you might have to make sure your mentally attracted to each other as well. Do fun things that do not end with sex at the end of the day.
- Do not start problems with her friends.
I know it is rough sometimes, but you have to do it. If her friends seem to upset you every time you are around them then either change their point of view on you, or simply do not be around them so much. Some women rely on their friends support (I know it is incredibly sad). If you start by having trouble with her friends, most of the time it is not that difficult to remedy the situation. Try to be nice, but not so nice to the point where your girlfriend will think youre too much of a pussy.
- Avoid being fake.
Do not pretend to be someone you arent. Just be yourself, if there is a small change to make; for example, being more relaxed, or calm, then you will be able to slowly change into the habit of dealing with situations differently, but in no way should you try to be something you are not. Later on in the relationship your true self might come out and ruin your relationship. If she does not like you for who you are she does not deserve you.
- In no way let her lose trust in you.
If she loses trust in you it takes forever and a lifetime to get her to trust you again. Losing trust in your partner or vise-a-versa will make the relationship much more difficult so avoid losing her trust. Try not to lie to her, especially about big things. Some white lies are okay if she never finds out, and if it isnt a big deal; after all, ignorance is bliss. Do not get into a habit of lying or not telling her things; she will mistrust you. Just let her be able to trust you and things will be great.
- She is weak
You have just finished and you see she looks exhausted after you did all the work… and that is a sign she had an intense time. Her knees will be weak and she will just need to lay there in bed for awhile. Now you can be proud of yourself as a man to have dominated her the way you did.
- She is very happy
You will look over and see her smiling. It will be obvious she has had a good time because she will smiling and will talk about how great it was. She might even refer back to “last night” or “that one night”. She might even mention it two or three times the next day. If anything of the sort occurs you will know you did some damage.
- She cries
Sometimes it’s scary when a girl cries after sex, but when it’s for the right reason it’s a compliment. If she experienced a huge orgasm and it brought emotions out, she is not crying for some weird reason; she is crying because you made her feel very good.
- She is still aroused
These are more of the obvious signs that she had a good time if you couldn’t already tell.
After all the work and physical contact you went through, she will obviously not be cold, and yet her nipples are still looking up at you…hmm… she must be happy. If she was yelling and screaming and squirting her juices, that would be another dead giveaway that she loved you loving her.
- She is emotional
Much like the crying part, except without the crying, she will be very emotional and want to hold you and not let go. This is always healthy to do, but when she really wants you to squeeze her tight you know something was different about that time. So put your arms around her and be satisfied she liked it and that she will want more tomorrow.
- Cuddle after you orgasm
Many guys make the mistake of leaving or falling asleep right after sex; this seems very legitimate to us men, but women have a whole different mindset. If you want to impress her, then after you dump your load, cuddle and talk to her for a good amount of time before you hop in your truck and go home.
If you visit a girl and fuck her, then leave right after, which isn’t such an uncommon thing to do, she will most definitely think you’re a jerk. Even a little talking, cuddling or saying some nice things before you bail will go a long way.
- Physical contact
Women love physical contact during sex. Whether it is fondling her breasts or kissing and feeling the shape of her body it will make a huge difference to the woman. She will feel more intimate with you and love you for it.
Try the many things you know during sex to enhance her time. You might want to try licking her ear, whispering in her ear, biting her ear, rubbing her breasts, etc. Try to be touchy feely.
- Take some control
Men do most of the deciding on positions so learn them! Read our Kama Sutra section for positions. During sex you will have to take control of the situation—know what you’re doing. Do not be rough about it. In a gentle way, move her into the positions you like. Make sure she is alright with the positions before you start pounding away. Not all men are gentle and caring. Be that man and you will win her over.
- Try to please her
If you want more sex she will obviously have to like it; so please her as well as yourself. Try to last longer and give her a great time. There are condoms that help delay your time of arrival incase you need that.
- Pay attention to her
Many times us men will get caught up in the enjoyment and beauty of her body that we will neglect what she wants. Next time your in bed with a woman, pay attention to her, even ask her what her favorite position is beforehand to enhance your night. Make sure you're paying attention to her desires as well as yours.
- Try new things
You don’t want sex to be the same every time or it will become routine and boring. Add new positions or games. There is a myriad of new things to try out that will spice up your sex life. But as you are trying new things, make sure she is alright with it and don’t try a really crazy thing without speaking with your partner first.
- Be careful what you do
Sometimes we get carried away with language or too much physical contact. If you’re going to call her names in bed, cum on her, or “slap her ass”, you will definitely need to be careful. She might eventually think you do not respect her (and of course you do). If you and she are into these sorts of things in bed, you should make sure to have more intimate and special nights to remind her that you do respect her.
- Take it slow
Instead of constantly ripping off her clothes whenever the two of you are alone; try taking it down a notch. Once in awhile, at least, take her clothes off slowly. Just because you’re up and ready to go this instant does not mean you have to. After you’ve stripped naked, feel her body and have some fun with foreplay before you enter her.
- Be thoughtful
What more can be said? She is a person and has feelings too. Don’t take her out for fastfood or have her cook for you everyday. Make her a nice meal after she has had a long day and be romantic. Put wood in the fireplace and dim the lights. Women appreciate things that most men never do. Make her feel special before you climb into bed.
- Be sensual
The more you touch, whisper in her ear, massage, lick, and kiss her the more the both of you will enjoy the night. The longer the episode lasts the better it will be. Rub her back, or lick her neck before you get going. Touch her all over and have her touch you. Kiss intimately and take your time. The longer you wait, the more she will want you and the better the night will be.
Here comes another crucial moment when you really can make a mess of things. On the other hand, if you play your cards right, you can more than make up for any horizontal under-performance on your part. Truth is, for many women the post-coital cuddling is the best part of the whole sexual experience. To understand why this is so, please consider why the woman wants to be with you in the first place. You may think it is your big this and that which makes you so irresistible.
Sorry to burst your bubble, pal, but most women (as well as men) have figured out a way to satisfy their physical needs on their own. A woman doesn't REALLY need a guy to get off. She can probably get herself off much better and much more reliably than any guy ever could. After all, she knows her own body much better than the guy, having spent a lot more time with it. What they want to get from a guy is a sense of appreciation, caring, support, protection, and being cherished. All of these things (called "emotional needs" in woman speak) are more than a mere dildo can deliver. In other words, she needs to feel that you cherish her, both in and out of bed.
Relationships with guys are very important to women because they measure themselves by their ability to maintain a quality relationship with a quality guy... Relationships with guys are their source of self-esteem and self-worth. A woman needs to be able to attract attractive guys. This is how women earn their status in the world of women. No money in the world or professional achievement can substitute for that.
If a woman doesn't have a boyfriend, or the boyfriend that she has is an unattractive nerdy uncaring bald guy with a ponytail who generally sucks, she feels like a completely worthless person, she gets depressed, she cries into her pillow, she is going around asking herself "What's wrong with me?" But if she gets a prize boyfriend or husband, her self-esteem is off the scale! All this is very difficult for a guy to grasp. For you, a girlfriend is something that is "nice to have", but she certainly is nowhere as important as maintaining your Web site! If you don't have a girlfriend, do you cry into your pillow? And let me ask a rhetorical question here, if you were given a choice between a girlfriend and a latest notebook, what would you choose? I know what I would choose...
So your job is to continuously show her that she is desirable and attractive. You accomplish this by sleeping with her, by telling her how attractive she is, by showering her with compliments and/or attention, by being seen together with her by other women who turn "green with envy"... You are a combination status symbol/ therapist/motivational coach, and yes, also a sex toy. I almost forgot that last one.
There is even a theory out there that what a woman looks for in a guy is an image of her own father, the Father-Daughter relationship being so important to a girl during her formative years, blah blah blah... If that relationship wasn't working, she is likely to grow up into another one of those needy insecure and pathetic women with low self-esteem. In other words, she is looking at you and hopes to find the father that was, or maybe meet the Dad that never existed. For instance, if the woman's Dad just wasn't there, or was emotionally absent as she was growing up, she may spend the rest of her life sleeping with older guys, old enough to be her Dad. Sounds like incest to me...
Anyway, it may really help the situation if you THINK FATHER. Kind of like caring, but also strong, willing to listen, but also ready to show who is the boss if she gets out of line... Then you'll begin to fulfill those mysterious feminine "emotional needs". On the other hand, if the woman feels you forgot all about her even before your sperm hit the walls of her vagina, and she is left there like a discarded Kleenex, she'll feel insulted. Talk about a rude awakening. So go ahead, cuddle away. I know cuddling after sex is a royal pain, but if you do it you will still be considered the greatest lover in the world, whatever your physical attributes (or lack thereof).
And if you still absolutely cannot stand it, here is a tip for you: after the act, say something like "I'm thirsty, would you like something to drink too?" This tactic, number one, gets you out of bed, and number two, it shows you as a nice CARING guy! Maybe even find out what her favorite drink is beforehand. If you perform a woman's wish without her even having to ask, it is such a turn-on for her!
So go ahead, be caring. Show an interest in her problems. If you can't do interest, at least be curious. Call often. But not TOO often. I know I probably already have you confused, but nothing kills romance like too much familiarity. So how close you will eventually get is something you definitely should think about and try to control.
Stay too cold and aloof, and she'll go to someone better equipped to fulfill her "emotional needs". Get too close, and you'll become more like a good old friend to her than a hot lover boy. Then she'll go and find someone more mysterious and therefore more interesting and romantic. So it's always a balancing act, and how much is too much is a judgment call. But don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.
Fact: Women are always wondering: does this guy want me for "one thing only"? Or does he like the whole package? Does he love my personality as well as my assets?
The answer to the last two questions should be a resounding YES! if you want to get the woman to sleep with you. What to do?
For starters, try treating her as a person from day one, not just a piece of meat that a horny S.O.B. like yourself wants. Treat her with respect and dignity above all, not at all like a slut, even if she IS a slut.
Ask her name. Pay attention to what she is saying, like what she is saying is real valuable. TALK to her about stuff (but not about something that will bore her to extinction, like computers). And avoid sexy topics like the plague (like your body parts, or what you'd like to do to her, or to have done to you). Otherwise she would think: He thinks I am a slut, he wants me for one thing only, he is showing me no respect! Light gossip about people you know makes for good conversation.
Don't try to grope her on your first date and don't drop your pants either, for reasons outlined above.
Another idiotic strategy would be to show the woman porn movies in the hope of "turning her on". That's a sure way to turn a woman off! Porn is strictly a guy thing. In short, try and avoid revealing your true horny self for as long as possible.
Above all, take your time with her, what's the rush? First you have to pass the various tests: Does he like me? Does he like me for one thing only? Only then will you be allowed to do the heavy-duty stuff that you really want. Remember the rules of etiquette that your parents taught you? That's terribly important around women. If you remember those, that means you respect her "personality" and you are a "sensitive" guy!
To top it all off, tell her in a sincere tone of voice:
"I am a not the kind of guy who would want you for one thing only. I am in love with your whole being! I am not gonna deny it. I am physically attracted to you. But I love you so much that I don't even care if we have sex or not. Being around you, with your effervescent personality, is reward enough for me!"
If her eyes don't well up with tears and she doesn't fall in love with you after hearing these noble sentiments my name isn't Dr. Casanova. She'll want to hear more of this crap, and it just so happens that there is no better place to express your appreciation of her personality than the good old bed...
Well, get a load of this: at least you don't spend your waking hours putting stuff on your face and you don't spend all your money to buy clothes to appeal to the opposite sex!
Women are always forever asking themselves the same question: How do I look to this guy? Does this guy really like me?
Where does that leave you? You can start out by liking her. If you are scared, and she is scared, that's no good. That's not a good place to start a relationship. Don't worry about what you say or do. Concentrate on liking her. Just sit there, find something that you particularly like about her (after all, if there is nothing about her that you like, what are you doing there in the first place?) It could be her smile, her "boobs", or whatever, just stay with the thought, think about the things you like about her, until you feel a real good warm feeling glowing inside of you.
Again, don't worry about what you say or do. Women have their antennas out, probing for psychic current of like/dislike floating towards them. It's really hard to fool their radar, so don't even try any Oscar-winning performances, please. Just assume for the time being that she can read your mind, OK? If you really like her (inside of you), she'll know it.
No need to try to impress her with your accomplishments, your effervescent personality, your sense of humor, or tell her your problems. She wants to talk about the most important person in her life -- herself. Let her. Your goal is to make her talk, and listen. Surprisingly few guys listen to women, or maybe they listen but they don't pay attention.
Again, don't worry about how you look to her or what you are saying. Focus on her and your good feelings towards her 100 percent. And CARE about her story. If you can't do "care", at least you can do "kinda curious", can't you?
Look her in the eyes. That establishes an unspoken communication channel that conveys your feelings (and turns her on, as an added bonus). And once that invisible "flow" between you and her begins (don't worry, you'll know it when it starts) the right words will come to you.
WARNING: You wouldn't think of going out on a date wearing dirty smelly underwear, would you? And you probably won't be wearing your work clothes that you work on you car in, either? Well, get a load of this: showing up on a date when you are seriously upset about something, or worried, is as bad or maybe worse than showing up smelling like an elephant's butt. Because she will sense your bad feelings and take them personally, she will think it's about her, your upset will pollute the whole atmosphere.
So she is sitting there, basking in the warm appreciative glow coming from your direction, and she is beginning to think "Hey, this guy really likes me". And since you like her, she'll like you back! We all like people who like us, it's only human...
She'll probably do most of the talking anyway, so your job is mostly to just sit there, completely relaxed, and like her. Once your feelings are firmly established in her mind, man, you've got credibility. How about some compliments! Don't overdo it though. And above all, don't be crude. Limit your comments to the VISIBLE parts of her body, like hair, smile, eyes, hands. Leave the boobs and butts alone for the time being. And above all, don't be phony. If you think her hair sucks, don't say it's beautiful. Just shut up, will you. But if you kinda like her hair, why don't you just say she has beautiful hair? It won't kill you, you know.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER Unless you get to like her inside of you, NONE OF TIPS ARE LIKELY TO WORK. Once she feels you like her, you can exaggerate your feelings and generally bullshit and get away with it. If you feel nothing, then she feels nothing. Just leave her alone, find somebody else. There are billions of other women out there. If you try to b.s. your way through, you will be exposed for the fraud and creep you really are. Don't be completely phony!
Fact: You don't REALLY need any of the above (although it wouldn't hurt). All you need to be is be "sensitive". If you are not "sensitive" you can learn. It's a small price to pay, believe me.
Ever heard women talk about "sensitive" guys and wondered what they have in mind? Before we begin, let's examine women's motivations more closely.
Fact: Women like to complain about their life, about everything. The shortcut to a woman's heart is: get her to start bitching to you. Once upon a time, there lived a Russian writer guy who wrote: "If you want to seduce a woman, just listen to her complaining". And God knows, he was really on to something.
This is really sweet. You just sit there and listen. SHE does all the talking. But don't just sit there like a rock. You've got to pay attention to what she is saying. Don't interrupt. But make sympathetic noises from time to time, like "Yeah", "This really sucks" and so on. She is getting your undivided attention, which means you "understand" her, which makes you a "sensitive" guy and her friend. Well, you get the idea.
A sensitive guy is a guy who listens to women's bitching. The best gift that you can give to a woman is the gift of your attention.
I've been friends with Kelly for about two years. During most of that time we've been each others default date... you know, the person you can always call when you need a member of the opposite sex to accompany you to some couples event. Or someone to go to the movies with, or get a beer, or check out the fun new restaurant that just opened down the street... for anything really.
We used to sit and laugh for hours, mocking those who were saddled with the responsibilities of a relationship, while reveling in our singleness. And Kelly would make retching noises and lament the lost friendships whenever one of her friends would meet the "perfect guy" -- yet another one lost to the dreaded We-itis, a terrible disease that causes the infected person to take someone else's opinion into account before going to the bathroom.
You know the type. You want to go out for a beer with your friend... she needs to check with her boyfriend. The kind of person who will break plans you've had for two weeks on the off chance she'll get to spend 15 minutes with HIM. The guy who starts missing the Wednesday night poker game he's been coming to for years.
What the hell is wrong with those people? How can they forget about those who've been there for them through everything? We'd clink beers and swear it would never happen to us.
And then she met Mark.
To be fair, he's a really nice guy. He treats her well, has a good job, and he's pretty cool to hang out with. I'm honestly happy for her -- for him too, they're a good couple. And yes, I expected to see less of her, it's totally understandable.
But so much for her not getting we-itis.
A few weeks ago I invited them both over for drinks before going out. Kelly called around 5 to say she and Mark would be here around 7:30. Not a problem. 7:30 came and went. 8:00. 9:00. By then I wasn't waiting any more. But the phone never rang, they never showed, I ate too much cheese, and I still have an enormous bottle of gin in my freezer.
And her excuse? Nothing. Sure, she apologized for not coming -- she's not THAT bad. But she actually couldn't give me a reason why they never showed -- and why she never called.
Well, maybe I'm too nice. I can forgive a lot, and while it was incredibly rude it wasn't the end of the world. I let it slip.
Then there was this past weekend.
A friend of ours was having a 30th birthday party on Saturday. We got a group together to have dinner and then go out dancing. Perfect. Of course Kelly and Mark were invited, and sure, they were only two of the eight or so people who were going to be there. So would they come?
I mentioned it to Kelly on Tuesday -- can they make it? She hemmed and hawed, and I got a definite maybe. She wasn't sure yet. I checked with her again on Thursday, but she still wasn't sure -- she had to check with Mark and he was away in New York on business. Presumably the phone between here and there wasn't working.
So I get a call on Saturday -- at least she remembered to call this time. They're not coming. Why? She gave some excuse about a wedding "thing" she had to go to. Now, what wedding thing could she possibly have to go to starting at 7 or 8 on a Saturday? Well ok, I can think of a couple. But how many of those would be a surprise?
People! Don't do this to your friends! There's a middle ground here . . . a place where you don't blow people off for no reason, and you make it to important events like birthday parties. A place where you can do things with your friends and your new S.O.-- and at the SAME TIME! If he's really the perfect guy there will be plenty of opportunities to spend "quality" time alone together . . . like the rest of your life. If he's not the perfect guy, why are you ditching your friends for him? The perfect guy wouldn't want you to.
So yeah, I'm pissed. And I'm sad. See, I had this friend . . . now she's lost but doesn't know it -- and I can't quite figure out how to tell her she's gone. I need to hold a mirror up in front of her so she can see she's become this horrible thing she used to mock incessantly -- except I don't know where to find her. And even if I did, I'm not sure she'd care.
She's one of them now, and I don't see that there's anything I can do. Except celebrate who she was before she got sick.
And find a new default date.
But at which point after a relationship ends do you stop owing someone an explanation? When can you stop filling someone in on the details of your life?
A lot of it depends on your current relationship with your ex. If they're still a part of your life and you talk every few weeks, you might prefer that they hear certain things from you rather than someone else.
But if you haven't spoken in a few years you almost never need to tell them anything.
Examine your motives -- that should give you all of the answers you need. Are you sharing to make yourself feel better or because it will hurt them? No confessions of cheating to assuage your guilt, no gloating over your latest honey when your ex has been single and depressed for six months. Always keep the other persons feelings in mind. Does she really need to know? Ok, your doctor tells you you're HIV+, and may have gotten it as much as five years ago because you're a dumb ass and didnt get checked. YES, she really needs to know. Does she need to know that you most likely got it from the prostitute you cheated on her with in NY when you were there on business? No.
Of course, just because you don't owe them anything doesn't mean you get to be rude and insensitive (unless you were dating Evil Incarnate).
In fact, if you can get past the feelings of obligation, you can come through for him on the big things with much purer motives. I'm not talking about "being there" so they can call and whine about the status of your relationship, but for when they seriously need you . . . and I'm speaking from personal experience.
A couple of years ago I was in a really bad situation -- I may fill you in on the details another time, but let's just say my mom was not well and leave it at that. I called my ex, Michelle, whom I hadn't spoken to in a year and a half. Without giving me any crap about calling out of the blue, she left work and came to the hospital to see me. She talked to me a lot during what was a really tough week for me, and she went to the funeral when
it was all over. There's no way I can thank her or repay her for helping me through one of the most difficult times of my life.
But did she owe it to me? No. Not even after five years of dating.
Once someone's your ex, you really don't "owe" them anything -- besides taking their feelings into account when you talk to them or about them. No explanations. No rehashing what went wrong. Not even phone calls to let him know you're engaged even though you haven't spoken in two years.
But obligations aside, if you can come through for him when it really counts, that's what matters. And he'll thank you for it, one way or another.
Take Thanksgiving for instance. My plan? I'm going to get my turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes ready the night before. Then I'll get up around 6 in the morning, stick the turkey in the oven, and go back to sleep. I'll get up around 9, which will give me enough time to settle in on the couch in my underwear, watch a little pre-game show, and see the Pats and Lions kickoff at 9:30. I'm going to spend the day eating, drinking beer, and watching football. Sound lonely? Stressful? Not to me -- it sounds like heaven.
Now I'm not saying that if you don't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with you should do what I'm doing -- it's not for everybody. But surely you can come up with your own plan -- something you enjoy doing on a day when you don't need to take anyone else's opinion into account. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or go on a road trip. Hey, Canadian Thanksgiving was back in October -- ever been there? Nothing will be closed. Whatever's going to make you happy. The same goes for Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah or whatever holiday you celebrate in December.
Just think -- if you're single, who do you have to buy presents for? No stressing over the perfect gift, except maybe to buy one for yourself and get your nephew something. By that token, I'm done with my holiday shopping already -- I got myself a new cordless drill last weekend, and I'm damn happy about it.
On the other hand, if you were in a relationship, you'd have all sorts of complications. Visiting your own family is hard enough, try working out the details of coordinating with someone else's family. Everyone has their own traditions, but you can't be in two places at once, at least not together. Do you spend Christmas Eve with her family or yours? What about Christmas Day? What do you do for Boxing Day? What the hell IS Boxing Day?
Then there's New Year's Eve. There's no way around it: if you're single, New Years just sucks. But you have to make the most of it so get together with some friends or go to a singles party. I spent last year at a concert with a half dozen of my best friends from school -- and their girlfriends. Fortunately I was with a big enough group that I didn't feel like a third wheel, but I wouldn't recommend it if it's just going to be you and two couples. And if you're lucky, maybe you'll find someone to give you a kiss at midnight, even if it is just a peck from one of your friends' girlfriends (thanks Rachel).
So if you know how to prepare yourself, being single during the holidays can be one of the most gloriously happy times in your life. You just have to be ready -- make a plan, keep busy, and do the things YOU want to do. Even if that means blowing off a holiday party to sit half-naked on your couch stuffing yourself.
Tip #1 -- You're going to have to be a LOT more social than you're used to if you expect to get to know anyone.
This means going out a lot until you find a place you like, then going there frequently. It can be a bar, a park, or even the public library . . . you just want to make sure you have the opportunity to interact with people outside of work, hopefully with people who share your interests. Of course, that doesn't mean you can sit in the stacks of the library reading obscure literature and waiting for someone to come up to you. Nor does it mean you should drink like a fish and accept a dare to do a topless lap around the bar. The key is just to get OUT of the house. It's too depressing to stay cooped up all of the time, so get out during the week and then plan to spend the weekend nights home alone. That way you can avoid the most stressful of evenings, when everyone seems to be out with others, and people who are out alone are viewed askance. And no matter how dogged you are, it's going to take longer to find new friends than you expect. Most people say it takes at least a year to find a groove.
Tip #2 -- Moving is the perfect time to reinvent yourself, but think about who you want to be AHEAD of time.
Ever decided you wanted to be a vegetarian, but were afraid of what your friends would think? Or maybe you wanted to start shooting photos instead of deer, and abandon your Guns&Ammo past? Perhaps you were thinking of becoming a kayaking guide, a career that lacks prospects in the Midwest? Moving gives us all a chance to become more of who we want to be without the pressure friends can put on us to conform to their expectations. No one in the new place will know you haven't been a picture-snapping-veggie-kayaker for years -- they won't think anything of it. But be careful, like everything in life you have to do what makes you most comfortable. If you're faking your way through an awkward persona you're not going to relax enough to meet anyone.
Tip #3 -- Moving is an opportunity to get rid of the dead weight -- but hold onto your real friends.
Moving is an excellent chance to "lose touch" with people who just aren't worth your time in the first place -- and it's also easier (not easy, but easier) to end a bad relationship that way. Especially if you move twice in a short period of time, and neglect to give them your new phone number. Not that I've ever done that, of course. Ever. Just make sure you keep in touch with your real friends, because they're the ones who will cheer you up when you drink-and-dial them at three in the morning on a Wednesday.
Relocating is a tough proposition, but if you go in with the right attitude it's a total adventure. Sure, there's a chance you'll risk everything to pursue a dream and end up hitchhiking back to town with your tail between your legs. But there's also a chance things will work out great -- maybe not as you expected, but great nonetheless. So when it's especially tough, you feel completely friendless, and you think nothing can make you feel better, sit down for a minute and contemplate the immortal words of Jack Handey:
"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."