Q. A few months ago left I left my country and girlfriend of two years as a transfer student. My girlfriend became tired of a long-distance relationship and we stopped keeping in contact. However, I met a girl whom I fell for at first sight, but owing to my "loyalty", would not approach her. A few days ago, I put everything about my former love life behind and finally asked this girl out. That was when something happened - I found out that this girl has a the identical personality as my girlfriend! The way she speaks, looks at me, laughs-even her jokes have the same ring to them. I'm not imagining this!
I was thrilled at first, but to my horror I found I had lost the ability to get turned on by her! My former relationship hovered around sexuality but we never got down to it since we felt it would destroy the "magic" of the whole thing. Well, after meeting this girl, I cannot be turned on by anything, I have no sexual attraction towards her, but I've fallen in love with her.
In addition to that, I've developed a fear that I'm not good enough for her. I'm just a poor transfer student in strange place falling in love with a girl who has everything I don't. Believe me, I never had these fears before - Dating-Insider completely dispelled them and radically changed my social life. But what should I do? Is my inability to get turned on psychological? It seems to be getting worse! Maybe the solution is damn easy and doesn't require much, but I need to be set in the right position to start rectifying things.
Please help me!!
"On the brink"
A. Hello "Brink",
Very interesting situation!
You'd be surprised how common it is to find someone that is very much like, or, even exactly like someone that we've been with before. People talk about this all the time, but it is usually in having made a mistake with choosing someone bad for them. You, on the other hand, have found someone you already know and love!
As you've also discovered, sex is as much a mental game as (if not more than) a physical one. It really isn't that hard a stretch to see that you've tied your entire emotionality into a sexless relationship, and that is exactly why your current problem exists. You've learned to equate love for a "personality type" with sexual frustration.
Interestingly, this is usually a problem that women have! They spend their dating lives trying to deny their sexuality because of religion, parents, misinformation, fear, etc.; suppressing and ignoring it, and then have tons of problems being sexual people in their married lives. Why do we keep doing this to people? Why do entire societies keep inflicting this hideous damage as though it somehow makes us better people?? Well, actually, the main reason is that parents, community and religious leaders, and many, many others learned a long time ago, that if you can just control a person's sexuality, you could control that person. This is because we are first and foremost sexual people! I equate this "purposefully inflicted" damage on people with other types of sexual barbarism like female clitoral circumcision, pedophilia, censorship, lying to kids about where babies come from, telling people that masturbating will make you go blind, and the like.
You say you've fallen in love with her. Are you sure it's love? Is it possible that you have tremendous familiarity and friendship with her instead? This isn't really a critical point, as frankly, it doesn't matter. However, I raise the question for you to consider.
Ok, so what do you do about all of this? First, you've got to get your self-image back in check. Nobody, not you, the Pope or me is any better or any worse than any other person, living or dead, (well, I'm not sure about Rosy O'Donnell - what's up with her?). Anyway, I digress...
This woman may have things you want or things that you equate with a "higher level", but it's a false image. All of these are just things. What's really important is the character, experience and soul of a person. Practice seeing all people this way. You'll be much the better man for it, and you'll also gain an important understanding of life. After all, she's just a person like you or me or anyone else.
Consider this, you've spent your entire relationship with your ex-girlfriend learning how NOT to be sexual. Is it any wonder you're having trouble now? You've got to re-learn to be sexual with your new girlfriend. You do this by practicing. I'm assuming that you masturbate (all of us do, by the way!) What do you fantasize about when you're spankin' the monkey? Something must turn you on. Use this time to re-learn sexual feelings for this woman.
Imagine making love to her. Take some time - don't jump right to the "horizontal bop" portion of the program. Imagine kissing her, undressing her slowly, exploring her body - every inch of it. Recreate the sexual feelings you had with her as the object. These are powerful emotions and will be re-learned very quickly because of them.
Once you begin to see her sexually, putting it into practice won't be difficult. Try to focus on her however; don't worry about yourself - that will come (if you'll pardon the expression!) Learn about her sexuality, and in it you'll find your own.