Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Q & A: She Won't Have Sex When The Rules Change!

Q. I've been in a relationship with this one girl for a while. In the beginning, things were fun and sexual. But as time has progressed, things have taken a turn for the worse. It all started right around the time I met her. Boy, I should have watched for those warning signals more closely!

Right from the start, she said she was tired of men only wanting her for sex. I feel sex is an important part of the relationship, but she doesn’t think so. We were sexual before but now she says it's not important and she wants to wait until marriage before she has sex again. I have no intention on marrying her and this "no sex" deal is really putting a strain on this relationship and me. I can’t deal with it, Doc. It's important to me.

But if she even THINKS I'm talking to other women, she gets angry, hostile, and extremely jealous. I could be talking to my mother and she'll think it's another woman and she explodes like a ticking time bomb. It could be a female friend or a family friend and she gets furious. The insecurity and jealousy also has become a problem as well as her lack of trust and she admitted openly these have always been issues with her.

Another thing is that even before we were together, she didn’t like me talking to other women, when we were just dating! She didn’t like them near me, over my house, nothing! Also, as this relationship has progressed, she has become increasingly more demanding and trying to be controlling too. She gets mad when I miss her phone calls, she gets upset when I ignore her for any length of time (even if I'm busy running errands or with work) and this whole situation is pushing me closer and closer to the door. I confront her on her bad behavior every time and she'll simmer down for a while, then she gets started again. Her immaturity has shown it's ugly head! Things aren’t fun anymore and it's a constant power struggle and verbal fighting because she can’t grow up. It was a lot more fun in the beginning but that’s history. She is a good person and very pretty but I have to get out unless you see a way this can be saved.

I haven’t dated other women in awhile since I've been with her but that may be my only choice. I can’t deal with being in a sexless relationship, and her behavior has got out of control. What should I do? Find the door as quickly as I can or try to salvage this?

A. I fully agree with your point about NOT marrying her! Just consider this - you're in a sexless relationship now. How would you like to be stuck the rest of your life slaving away to satisfy her every whim; financial and otherwise, while being in a sexless marriage? Well, that's exactly where you're headed with your current path!

Here's the bottom line: sex IS important to any HEALTHY relationship. I don't care what anyone says. If they (including your girlfriend) think not, they are unhealthy themselves!

OF COURSE she doesn't want you talking to any other woman and is insanely jealous! If you ever found out the fact I just gave you, or found some other woman that WOULD enjoy sex like you do, she'd be alone. Talk about a controlling bitch! What the HELL are you doing with her anyway????

Here's what I would do in your situation:

I would tell her, “I respected your wish to not have sex. However, that isn't my wish, my choice or what I will devote my life to. Thus, I’m going to start dating and looking for a sexual partner IMMEDIATELY.” I'd still date her too (occasionally), but she'd have to understand that I was moving on and that my time for her would be reduced commensurate with your hunting time away from this "relationship". Further, you absolutely MUST NOT feel compelled to discuss your actions with her beyond this. She is entitled to only the part of your life that she earns - just as you are with hers.

I'd also absolutely demand that she DOES NOT date anyone else if she wants to continue to see me! That may seem unfair at first, but consider this: you're already making huge sacrifices in your life for her to choose her lifestyle! She owes you AT LEAST that loyalty back. If she can't do that, and won't have sex with you - bye-bye!!

My brother, don't just sit by and take this abuse, (and it IS abuse!) Just because the rules change doesn't mean that you have to continue playing the new game. You are allowed to have your own rules - and game - too!

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