Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Q & A: Will we ever be the same again?

Q. "I wanted to share my story with you all and get some feedback.

I have been dating this girl since the end of May, everything was great we have fun we laugh and we have a lot of intimate times together, not always sex but very enjoyable. About two weeks ago her ex came into town and she went to go hang out with him two nights in a row, she said she had some issues to clear up with him. Well the weekend passed he left but our level of intimacy has gone from 10 to a 1.

We spoke about what happened and she said that she was no longer in love with him and she now sees that they could not be together. They are just friends, she said that nothing happened. Ever since then we haven't even kissed for more than 30 seconds.

This past weekend I did something that I never do I asked her to come back to my place to be intimate, she said maybe and the night ended up me taking her home and thats it. I have tried to get close to her without any luck. I dont want to seem like a a-hole guy and say something stupid. So can you please help me? I need some advice."

A. "Whew! That was close, dude! I'm glad you sought out help before you wallowed too long in this unhealthy pool of delusion. Okay, here's the Bottom Line: It sounds like she got together with him again (slept with him, had sex, the Horizontal Bop) and now she's regretting it. Hence, her comment about them not being able to "be together." She's saying that the loving was good, but the drama was too much, even for her. (Yeah, I know she said "nothing happened", but if you believe that, I've got some quality real estate to sell you.)

Time for a little tough-love. (But you came here because you are strong, smart, and willing to change, right?) So here it is:

You are her rebound. For you to make it through this, you will have to be ten times as challenging to her so that you will overcome her attachment to the previous guy. HOWEVER, the reality is that you can hold NO hopes of actually raising the intimacy back up to the "10" it once was. Why? Because her "10" interest in you was only created by her romantic female desire for a new Prince Charming to come fill in the void left by the old guy.

The Total Bottom line: If she's gone from a 10 to a 1, she's telling you that you need to be moving on. She's (unwittingly) stringing you along because you're her convenient new puppy to help her get over the last big dog. (Two kinds of love for women: Doberman she has sex with and stays with, and the sad little Beagle she walks around the block -- until the next Doberman shows up.)

Here's the unhappy pattern that will be set in motion. See if it sounds familiar: Her unavailability (i.e., CHALLENGE) will stimulate your nervous system to chase her. She will then sense your clinging and desperation, and she'll pull even further away, leaving you to panic and chase her even faster, as she runs even faster from you ...

And the downward spiral has begun. And we know where it always ends, don't we?

This is harsh, but it's a wet slap of reality that you'll thank me for later: Drop her, NOW. If not sooner. It's the only way you'll stand a chance. The only sure-fire cure for this kind of rebound dementia is to get out there and DATE OTHER WOMEN.

Don't be a Sad Little Beagle (AKA: Masturbates Alone) who sits around with her as she weeps through another viewing of 'Fried Green Tomatoes' or 'Thelma and Louise.' If you're not her intimate sex-buddy, you're just a friend. And in the process you're killing your self-confidence and posture.



If you want to turn the tables (and you'll have to in order to get this woman's head turned back to you) then you'll have to give her a little Doberman action. Ask yourself what you would do if you had lost interest in this gal. You would probably first drastically reduce your availability to her. If she calls, you are just on your way out and you'll call her back. If you are making a date with her (or already have), make it then break it. With no explanation. And, finally, you need to show her a bit of unpredictability. Keep her guessing, about what you're doing and with whom you are doing it. The less she knows, the more mysterious you are in her eyes, and this will engage her attraction.

Most guys would hesitate to use such tactics because they feel that it is mistreating her. Not so! You are only demonstrating to her that she is not your focus (and you are not her tool), and this is absolutely necessary for you to exert your independence and earn her respect.

Here's your love meditation for the week: When a woman gets out of the pool, she's looking for the closest towel. But ask yourself, what happens when she's dry?"

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